Living Anxiously

Anxiously Ann

My Journey To Feeling Better — July 28, 2020

My Journey To Feeling Better

Namaste my Lovelies!


If you were to get know me on a real personal level you would probably learn that mountain-sunsetI am MUCH better at giving advice than I am at taking advice; even my own advice!

So it would come as no surprise to you to find out that I was preaching the importance of feeling good over looking good, but wasn’t putting it to practice in my own life.

Just like every other human in the world, I too fell prey to a negative body image. 

Before becoming a mother I NEVER thought about my body.

After having children, it was ALL I thought about.

I didn’t look the same. I didn’t feel the same. For years I struggled to love my body.

I didn’t love my body. I hated my body. I cursed myself for not being more active during my pregnancies. I foolishly belief that genetics would keep me in perfect shape.

I tried every diet/fad/trend/workout. While I was able to achieve my target weight I still hated my body.

At the time I lived in an environment where I was one of the smallest people I knew, so sharing my struggles would not have been met with sympathy. 

Because I was “skinny” I should be healthy, right?

However, I didn’t feel healthy. In fact, I felt far from healthy. I had terrible digestive issues, constant aches and pains (Shoulders, back, etc.) which I had grown accustomed to ignoring, recurring  headaches or migraines, stiff joints, weakness, and fatigue (These were all just my physical symptoms).

I thought that if I could just have a flatter stomach or tone thighs, etc that I would feel better and be happy. 

Again, I tried every diet/fad/trend there was.

But I was eating for the wrong reasons; exercising for the wrong goals.

I don’t remember exactly when I felt the shift, but one day I just gave up. I was done. I was exhausted from trying and tired of worrying.

SO I QUIT!

Yes, you read that correctly! I quit.

I quit caring about how I looked. I had a new goal in mind. 

I wanted to FEEL good. I wanted to feel STRONG.

I had so many ailments and “little” problems that affected me on a daily basis. I started targeting my weak muscles and what hurt.

I did deep yoga stretches and I worked on improving my posture. 

I realized the reason I was so weak was because I was not getting enough protein in my diet. I found what was causing my digestive issues and worked to crowd out food that made my stomach feel bad and replaced them with foods that didn’t make me feel bad when I ate them.

I went through ALL of my aches and pains; adding and taking things away as I found what worked and what didn’t work for me.

What seemed to help me take my own advice this time around was that I started slowly; very slowly as not to burn myself out and give up. I let it grow from there.

If all I was able to do that day was two push ups and five squats, then that was all I did and (here is the real secret to success here) I DIDN’T beat myself up about. 

I added meditation to help with my focus, anxiety, and mindfulness.

I kept doing just a little amount every day.

I worked to build positive habits instead of starting a diet or workout routine. I knew for me to feel healthy I would have to stay active and make the right choices; not just for now, but for the rest of my life. I didn’t want it to feel like a complete change of life situation (because change can be overwhelming) so I started with baby steps.

I’ve been on this particular journey for only a few short weeks now and the results are amazing. I feel the best I’ve felt since before I had children.

And the things is, turns out it works!

Focusing on feeling better HAS been a stronger motivator for me than focusing on my appearance.

But here is the kicker: By making myself feel better I simultaneously made myself look better. 

I have stopped weighing myself altogether. I threw my scale in the garage and never looked back. 

If I were to give any advice at all it would be this:

Focus on the foods and exercises that make you feel good afterwards. Play around with what works for you and what doesn’t. Just remember: What works for someone else may not work for you.

Let feeling good be your goal and you might find that looking good just comes naturally!

We Are Not Our Bodies — May 20, 2019

We Are Not Our Bodies

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Photo by Oscar Mikols on Pexels.com

We are not our bodies.

Our person, our mind, our spirit is greater than our body. Our body is merely a vessel for us to fulfill our purpose on earth. I truly believe that our purpose, all of our purposes, is to serve others (At least if we all aspired to live that way the world would be a better place).

There are many different ways that we can take on the role of serving others.
For me one way I do that is through entertainment.
I love to be on stage and share a wonderful story with an audience.
I know that when I make them feel something I am doing what I was meant to do.
There are lots of other ways I like to serve others, but that is just one.
We need to treat our bodies with great care because our body serves a greater purpose.
If we don’t look for the best way to take care of our vessel then we are doing a disservice to ourselves and all the people out there that we could be helping if only we had taken better care of ourselves.

By “taking care” of our body (or vessel) I don’t mean going on whatever diet trend it popular at the time. I don’t mean pushing our body to its limits in a cross fit workout.

What I mean is eating the best foods for our own particular body types, getting regular sleep, practicing self care, and working towards finding balance in our mind, body, and spirit.

We are greater than our bodies.

We have been given this vessel to do more with it than chase instant gratification, or abuse it with drugs or alcohol.

That being said, I do understand how some can be lead down the path of escapism (using vices to escape reality).

Life is incredibly hard.

Even more so when you don’t know your purpose in life or you are living a life without fulfillment.

I can’t tell you your life’s purpose. Nor can I tell you what the best path is for you to take.

What I can tell you is that when you are ready, the answers are out there. All you have to do is look.

As for myself, I am an empath, I am also a christian, and I am also someone who has been struggling with anxiety and depression since I was about 17 years of age.

I got married at 22 to someone who really didn’t know how to be with someone like me. Honestly, I couldn’t blame him. At the time I didn’t know how to be me. I didn’t know who I was or what I was capable of.

I’m still learning. I’m always learning.

I felt alone and didn’t want to share my pains with anyone because I didn’t want to be a burden to others (anxiety disorders were not as commonly talked about during this time, especially in the south where I grew up).

When my anxiety reached its highest and I developed a breathing disorder that made me feel like I was starving for air, not only did I feel alone, but I also felt insane.

I felt like I was losing grips with my sanity. I know what it feels like to be lost and alone and scared.

I didn’t know what purpose so therefore I was not serving myself and caring for my body.

I didn’t see the point in it.

However, I didn’t give up. My unwavering hope and optimism saved my life and if you are reading this blog then you still have that hope inside of you too.

You can find the answers. You never have to give up on yourself or others. The more you search the more you’ll realize that you are not alone.

There are people who feel the same way you feel, who look at the world the same way you do. You can find your tribe, just keep looking!

Never give up on yourself cause this world needs you. You wouldn’t be here if the world didn’t need you.

Don’t let anyone else’s expectations of you create your own expectations of yourself and take care of your vessel. You only get the one. Treat it with kindness and it will better serve you.

When you do this then you can better serve others and find your purpose in life. You can find fulfillment and joy.

Namaste my lovelies!

 

Looking Good vs Feeling Good — April 30, 2019

Looking Good vs Feeling Good

photo of woman looking at the mirror
Photo by bruce mars on Pexels.com

When we take care of our bodies it is so much more than just make ourselves look good (Though most people go on diets or start a workout routine because they want to look better).

We should want to take care of our bodies so that we feel better.
When we feel better we naturally look better.

The health and wellness trend is at an all time high, but if we can just shift our motivations for taking care of our bodies we actually stand a better chance of being more consistent with being healthy.

Losing weight and looking better on the surface takes time to notice.
I have seen so many motivational memes that promote the phrase that it takes 4 weeks for you to see it, 8 weeks to for others to notice, and 12 weeks for the world to notice (or something along those lines).

Well I don’t know about you, but I can’t tell you the number of times I started a workout routine and never even made it to week 4. I couldn’t stay consistent with it because I couldn’t see results, but more importantly I didn’t feel a ton better so I didn’t see the benefits of continuing.

We like to see results fast. Well I’m sorry to say, but there is no diet or workout routine that can have you seeing results in your physique overnight.

However, you can start feeling better overnight. All you need is a new goal for your health and wellness. Instead of eating and exercising to look better, make new mission to feel better.

Finding Ayurveda, for me, changed so much of my life. It changed my health, my mental well-being, and so much more. You don’t have to choose Ayurveda (though I highly recommend looking into it), but I will suggest change your goal for your health.
What is Ayurveda?

Instead of eating right or workout out to look better, do it to feel better.
Cause as I said before, when you feel better you look better.

Eating to feel better will yield better results, especially if you listen to your body more.
Notice how you feel after eating.

How did the food you ate make you feel? 

Did it make you feel energized?
Or heavy and lethargic?
Did it cause stomach problems?

How are the exercises you are doing make you feel?

Did they make you feel stronger?
Did you over push yourself?
Did they make you feel dizzy or light headed?

You body knows exactly what you need. You only need to listen closer.

Looking better will happen in time, but feeling better can happen a lot sooner and if your motivations are to feel better you will stay more consistent. You will start to notice which foods are not good to put in your body because you will feel it. You will know what exercises are best for you cause you will feel it.

The foods we eat and the exercises we do are suppose to give us energy and life.

If we do not feel energized afterwards then we need to listen to our bodies a little more closely.

Ayurveda had definitely taught me to listen more closely to the needs of my body and now I can say that I feel and look a lot healthier than I have in years. I haven’t felt this good since before I’ve had kids and let’s just say that was well over 10 years ago.

Go now and find what makes you feel good. What makes you feel healthy.

Cause when you feel good, you look good.

Namaste my lovelies!

I Am More Than My Anxiety — March 28, 2019

I Am More Than My Anxiety

Purple Dream

I am more than my anxiety.

I am a mother.

I am a wife.

I am an actress.

I am a health enthusiast.

I am a fitness junkie.

I am an adventurer.

I am a spiritual self-healer.

I am a Christian.

I am human.

I am NOT anxiety.

I want to be more active in this blog because I feel like I have a voice. It has taken me many years to realize that about myself and to allow myself to believe that there may be some value in what I have to say.

I may take a slightly new direction with this blog and take you on my life’s journey. I will tell you a little bit more about myself and my personal struggles, I will tell you what I have done to get to this point in my life, and I will let you know where I plan to go in the future.

I will share the ups and the downs; the good and the bad. I promise to always be real with you.

This year I plan to be more than my anxiety. I plan to break the walls down of this prison that I have built for myself and really put myself out there for the entire world to see.

If I fall I will tell you what I learned and if I succeed I will share the struggles it took to get there.

My goal in doing this is to 1) hold myself accountable and 2) possibly be an example of what can be accomplished by someone with anxiety and depression.

We are more than our emotional issues. We can have them without letting them define us and that is the challenge that I am setting for myself.

I do hope you come along with me on my journey and feel free to share with me any insight you have gained, issues you wish to discuss, or even just something weighing on your mind.

Through the quiet of my absence know that I am still always here.

Love Gently — March 27, 2019

Love Gently

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I thought I had it beat.
My anxiety.
I have gotten dramatically better at handling all the curveballs that life throws at me. Any big changes I was handling like a champ.

You go so long feeling good, you’re nerves aren’t a constant source of torment for you, but then something happens.
It can be something so little.

As little as going to the grocery store and asking the cashier for stamps.
The idea comes in your head.
Then you feel it.
The tingling sensation down your legs. The cringy feeling in your gut. The little voice in your head that tells you to run. You can’t do this.

You know it’s irrational, but that doesn’t make the feeling go away.

Sure you could tell yourself it’s no big deal and just to concur your anxiety, but what if you can’t?

Then what if you have someone you loved who asked you to do it and then insisted on you giving them an explanation as to why you can’t do something so “simple”?

So great. On top of feeling anxious about a social encounter you have someone making you feel ridiculous for not being able to do it.

Not that you needed help feeling ridiculous. Anxiety’s got that covered for you.

Anxiety is a fickle thing.
It comes and goes at it’s own pleasure.
It could lie dormant for years and pop up at the most random time in your life.
It could happen for the smallest reason or no reason at all.

Anxiety will make you scared to do something and then make you feel inadequate for not being able to do it.

Please, I urge you. If you love someone with anxiety and they tell you that something makes them feel anxious to do, don’t make them feel bad.

Please, don’t act as if it was just a simple request. That they should be able to do it, because if you could do it, then they should be able to as well, right?

No. They can’t and it doesn’t have to make sense to you. It shouldn’t have to make sense you anyway. Not if you really love them.

You don’t have to understand your loved one’s reasons for things, but what you can do is understand anxiety and that there will never be a rhyme or reason to it.

The more you push someone with anxiety, the worse you make the situation.

They are already feeling anxious, then inadequate. Do you really want to add guilt to the list? Plus, there’s the lonely feeling that comes along with having anxiety and already feeling as if no ones understands.

The best thing you can do when you love someone with anxiety is to love them gently.

Love Gently.

Let them know that it’s ok if they can’t do something that seems small to you. Let them know that there is nothing wrong with them and that they are not alone. That you support them and love them and no amount anxiety will ever change that.

Make them feel safe to come to you with feelings of anxiety. That you will not only understand, but protect them from anxiety and essentially themselves.

Just love them gently and often and you will be fine. It will get easier.

The last thing we want to do is take a small moment of anxiety and create an avalanche of feelings and emotions, cause then your work as their loved one becomes harder.

So just love them gently.

Create that as a mantra for yourself if you must. A little reminder to love them gently.

Those of us with anxiety know that your job to love us is not easy. We know how irrational we sound. We know it doesn’t make sense. We don’t always understand it ourselves.

Two words is all we are ever really looking to hear in those situation.

“I understand”.

If you substituted “I don’t understand” out for “I understand”. You take away their feeling of being alone and you create a sense of peace and security.

You make them feel safe. You validate their feelings.

Someone with anxiety walks around feeling misunderstood. To understand is to love.

To be understood is to feel loved.

It gives anxiety no where to go. No fuel to continue to burn and will quickly extinguish.

So please my dears. Love Gently.

I Am An Empath — September 24, 2018

I Am An Empath

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Random factoid of the day. I am an empath. Yes, you heard it right. I, Jessica Ann Perry, am a real life empath.

“What the hell is an empath?”

Now don’t get your knickers in a twist my dear reader, I will tell you.

You can look it up online and what you will find is tons of articles, some a little on the hoodoo voodoo side of things (no judgement), and they will pour over countless signs that you two might be an empath.

I’ll short hand it for you.

I FEEL TOO MUCH.

I feel everything. I feel my own feelings, I feel others feelings, and when I’m done feeling those feelings I go on to feel fictitious character’s feelings as well.

I feel the feelings of the Earth, the moon, and the stars.

Okay I may have run a little wild with that last one, but I think you see what I mean.

I have known who I am for some time now, through my road to self discovery, but I never really understood what it meant. I thought I knew everything I could, but that’s the thing about thinking you’ve learned it all. At some point in your life you find out you don’t.

What it all boils down to is that I have a greater capacity for empathy than some others. I can feel other people’s moods. The closer I am to someone the more I feel what they are feeling. The danger is sometimes I get confused on which is my feelings and which is theirs.

Others can also sense that I am an empath, whether it is conscious or subconsciously done. So many people, strangers even, will talk to me and before I know it I am listening to their life story and helping them to work through some of their problems.

My husband says that would drive him crazy, but me, I love it. I love that people feel comfortable around me. I love that people can sense that they will get no judgement from me. I welcome any and all who want to talk to me, share their life stories, or just talk about something that is bothering them. I can’t always help, but I can listen. This makes me feel good.

The negative to being an empath is getting over the fact that people need you; until they don’t.

I’m not saying that it is impossible to make long lasting friendships as an empath, but it is my belief that I was chosen to help people. When my friendships that I have put time into simply fade away I now take comfort in the idea that they no longer need me. Just call me the Mary Poppins of friendships.

I’m in, I fix what’s wrong, and I’m out.

I emphasized the word ‘now’ because I didn’t always take it so well. I thought that there must of been something wrong with me. Maybe I wasn’t good enough. Self doubt took over for many years before I realized that maybe it wasn’t me. Maybe it was God’s design (or the universe’s depending on your belief system) to make room for new friendships. New people in need of someone who listens.

I can define many eras in my life by the friends I had and most of those people I no longer talk to on a regular basis. I make friends, I lose friends. Some stay, and most go. My only hope is that all of the people I have been friends with over the course of my life, know that no matter how much times passes, no matter how long we go without talking, that if they ever needed a friend to talk to… I’m here.

Continuously Recovering — August 15, 2018

Continuously Recovering

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Dear Reader,

My last post has been some time ago. Shortly after starting this blog I suffered some of the most horrific anxiety I have suffered to date. I went through months of feeling as if I was starving for air.

A lot of soul-searching has taken place.

I realized that I was putting too much pressure on myself. I needed to have something, be something important in order to feel validated. However, I never created this blog to make money or be somebody.

I did it so that I might be able to help someone. So that maybe someone will read this, be able to relate, and take comfort in the idea that they are not alone.

I will not be a blogger that posts daily. Hell, I may not even be a blogger that posts weekly, but what I can be is a blogger that will try and try and try again. Cause giving up is never an option.

You may feel the need or want to give up. Reside yourself to the life you were given, but don’t. The only life you were given is the one that you make for yourself.

YOU are capable of anything. YOU can do anything. The fact that you are reading this and searching for help is a sign that things will get better.

Get up and get out there! Be the Beautiful you that you are and I will be here. No matter what I will always be here!

Sincerely,

Anxiously Ann

2am Wake up Call — February 6, 2018

2am Wake up Call

 

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Dear Restless Sleeper,
Why is it that when it is 2 o’clock in the morning that is when anxiety wants to come out and play?
The great thing about anxiety (you’ll learn to pick up on my subtle sarcasm; though I’ve been told I sound too serious) is that all your senses are heighten because your body has gone into fight or flight mode.
Yay!
So now you’re lying in bed at 2 in the morning and suddenly you can hear everything. Which is crazy considering you only have partial hearing in your left ear and your good ear is only slightly better, but now you have super hearing.

This is not actually what I was talking about when I said I wanted a super power.
All the sounds.
Of course, now anxiety starts getting worse and awesome, now here comes paranoia.
So was that sound the heating unit cutting on? Was that sound real or did I make it up?
Uh great. Now I have to go to the bathroom.

You know nothing is there. You know that most if not all the sounds was just anxiety trying to freak you out.
Yet, you still hold it till the last minute because you have seen way too many scary movies as a kid and you do NOT want anyone or anything to grab your foot from under the bed.
Alas, the desire to use the restroom far outweighs your knowingly irrational fear of essentially nothing. So off you go and back to concur anxiety (albeit unwillingly) and not let it get the better of you.
It can be almost a battle every night with your own self. Even those who are fully aware of their anxiety and the irrational fears they cause are not immune to the 2am wake up call.
I say next time you sleep till 11:30am or 12pm or however long that may be, don’t feel guilty. You were up late hours fighting a battle and the best part is most of the time you win those battles. You fall asleep and then begin a new day again.
Wasting time feeling guilty for sleeping late only brings negativity to your day and you already had a rough night.
So drink a cup of coffee or tea and leave your troubles behind and enjoy the day.
We only get so many of them you know.
Sincerely,
Anxiously Ann

A Cup of Tea, a Little Yoga, & a New Day — February 5, 2018

A Cup of Tea, a Little Yoga, & a New Day

pexels-photo-251288.jpegDear Tea Drinking Yoga Lover,

My favorite cup of tea to start the day is matcha green tea because it makes me feel like I’m going to lose weight.  Though I know good and well the percentage that my favorite tea is the cause of my losing weight is relatively small; still I drink the tea.

In this game we play (we being those of us who suffer from some form of emotional disorder), will choose to accept some things we know not to be completely true because it makes us feel better. Another example for me is that I started drinking black coffee because I told myself there was more caffeine in black coffee. Though, I also know it to be untrue.

We like to do what makes us feel good.

It may not always make sense to some, lucky well adjusted, emotionally strong individuals.  We could be looked at as being odd or quirky (personally I love the word quirky; so much fun to say).

Maybe the volume HAS to be at a certain number, or maybe you NEED 3 pillows instead of 2, or maybe you HAVE to drink the same cup of tea every morning.  Whatever makes you feel good then by all means be quirky!

Do what feels good.

Seems like such a simple concept, right? If you knew me you would not be the least bit surprised that I forget to do what feels good almost daily.

Yoga is what makes me feel good. I am far from an expert and most of the balancing positions are a continuous struggle for me, but I love yoga. Yoga was something I started because of back and shoulder pains. However, it has done more for my anxiety and depression than any medication/therapy session combined.

It helps to find the right yoga instructor for you. Of course me sitting here with limited cash flow and empty pockets and a desire not to embarrass myself in public turned to the only logical source; YouTube.

Yoga With Adriene is a wonderful Youtuber that specializes in instructional yoga videos with the ultimate message being “Do What Feels Good”. I highly recommend watching her videos or visiting her website, definitely a life changer.

It is such a small idea, but it can have a large impact. Do what feels good.

Thank you Adriene for teaching me this.

So before I get on my mat and attempt the tree pose (yet again) with hopes of finally not toppling over, I sip my tea.

Today I’m going to do what makes me happy. I’m going to be my oddball quirky self and just feel good.

Sincerely,

Anxiously Ann

It’s Okay to Feel — February 4, 2018

It’s Okay to Feel

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Dear Poor Emotionless Souls,

Maybe the reason that so many people are driven mad by their emotions is because we live in a society that tells us that any feelings that we could have that isn’t a positive one is bad and that we should do everything in our power to eliminate those feelings.

Maybe we don’t feel too much.  Maybe we feel exactly the amount that we are supposed to, but the world tells us we are wrong for it. So now we are put in a situation where we are made to feel guilty for our feelings.

“Don’t be sad”, “Work on that anger”, “Don’t be so sensitive”.  Maybe we are not “too sensitive”. Maybe, just maybe we feel exactly the way we are supposed to feel and it’s the world that has it backwards.

Maybe it’s the world that is not sensitive enough.  We as a society have increasingly become desensitized to things that should appall us. For example, bloodshed, violence, anger, hate, corruption just to name a few.  All things that should make us feel something negative, but we are told constantly to push our negative feelings aside because if not we are viewed as “too sensitive”.

There’s that phrase again; “too sensitive”.  Who says? Who is the one giving you and us this information? Who is the one in charge of saying that we are “too sensitive”?  Has anyone even asked themselves why anxiety, depression, and a whole slew of emotional disorders have become more and more popular today than it ever has been?  Have we become “too sensitive”?

We are told constantly that we should only feel things that make us happy.  Sounds like a marvelous plan.  So why isn’t it working? I believe the answer is simpler than we think.

As human beings we feel more than one emotion.  In fact we feel a plethora of emotions. I couldn’t name every range of emotion if I tried. There are so many different levels of sadness, anger, and happiness that I could spend all day discussing the complexities of each and still not scratch the surface.

We don’t allow ourselves to feel.  Anger is bad. Sadness is bad. Pain is bad; don’t feel pain.

What happens when you build a society around the notion that anything other than happiness is bad?  You have people who struggle every single day to understand the emotions they are dealt.

Why do we have the emotions if we are not meant to feel them?  I feel anger. I feel sadness. Yet, I’m told not to.  Well problem solved then. I just won’t accept those emotions anymore.  Every time those emotions come to surface I will push them right back down.  Only happiness it is for me.

Well that doesn’t quite sound right either.

There must be a reason that I feel better after a good cry or why, when I’m really angry it feels good just to scream.  It may be just this one girl’s opinion, but it would seem that we are meant to feel these emotions.  We are meant to be sensitive, we are meant to get angry, and cry, and hurt, and laugh, and be miserable, and feel lonely, and smile, and the many many many other feelings we feel.

IT MAKES US HUMAN.  We are meant to feel.  We are meant to know how to feel and how to cope with our feelings. We are meant to accept other people’s feelings.

We see children do it every day.  They can cry, pout, get mad, laugh, and at the end of the day they are just as content as when they woke up.  They haven’t been taught yet they need to keep their feelings to themselves.

Where would the world be 20 years from now, 10 years from now even, if we taught our children that it is okay to feel? If we taught them that if they get sad that it’s okay for them to be sad? Or if when they feel angry that that’s okay too?

How would you feel right now if someone told you that the sadness that you are feeling, it’s okay for you to feel that? You don’t have to feel guilty for being sad? You can take your time and feel when you are ready to feel? It’s okay to feel.

Maybe I’m just being “too sensitive”, but I rather like that I feel all the emotions that I feel.  I don’t want to be so void of emotions that all the horrible things in this world go by unnoticed to me. I don’t want to be desensitized.

I want to feel everything, always.  I know that means I have to learn how to handle my emotions.  My anxiety and depression will love it I’m sure, but I’m tired of living only halfway.  I’m tired of learning to live with anxiety and depression because I believe that I’ll never be without it.  I want to breathe, I want to feel, I want to be free.

I will be free and love and live and feel and there is not a damn thing wrong with that!

 

Sincerely,

Anxiously Ann